A Geek's Eye
22nd July, 2015. 9:00 pm. And Another Three...
I did it: I had an honestly mixed day which, at the end of it, I was able to see in a positive light. Please don't think this is normal: it's not. Mixed days, for me, usually end with me in the dumps. And, yeah, it almost did finish that way. But I took a chance, listened to a friend, and gained a bit of perspective from a source I was convinced
was going to disappoint me.
Three things that were silver?
Not difficult. I'm not even reaching when I say that I found happiness when I:
- Walked around the little pond in back of where I work and really listened to the buzzing of the bumblebees ... really watched the barn swallows feed their chicks ... really stopped to enjoy the simple things during that short walk...
- Realized that things do get easier but you have to do them every day. Shoulda learned that one, earlier.
- Found some referees for a few games at Furry Migration...
- Got some really nice tweets from a man I love...
- After Tweeting a simple "Thank You" to Chris Hardwick (after listening to his excellent episode, interviewing Sir Ian McKellen), I got a nice little Tweet back. He's a busy guy, I didn't expect a return message, and was very happy that he found the time.
- Realized that if I'm hanging on to a friendship, a friendship that has rarely (if ever) shown an interest in me or who I am, it's not really worth hanging on to ... and that's okay. It wasn't a friendship to begin with. Maybe that's someone's fault, quite possibly mine, but fault doesn't matter. What matters is that no matter the reason it never really became real, I'm not losing anything by letting go. If I start over, that's cool too. But, really, it just doesn't matter how it ends because it never really had a beginning.
Tomorrow I only need to write zero silvers to keep with the strict guidelines of this task. But I'll do three even if I have to wrack my brains. Even if I have a really rotten
day, I'll find three bits of silver to line the inside of my skull when going to bed.
Because I'm more man than a horse.
21st July, 2015. 8:01 pm. Three More
Y'know, today was pretty good. I got a lot of coding done. A lot of research. And, yeah, I had good things happen.
- Coded ... coded ... coded...
- Visited the first Minneapolis Giordano's for lunch and had GREAT DEEP DISH PIZZA!
- Spent some good time talking philosophy with jakebe
I also watched two more episodes of "True Detective". It's not as good as Season One but it's still a really good slow burn.
17th July, 2015. 6:14 am. Three Things
Yesterday, I found three things from which to take some happiness and accomplishment.
- Coded a huge amount of original functionality for a client at work
- Made a really nice, homemade burger (with an English Muffin for a bun)
- Watched more back-episodes from season four of "Bob's Burgers"
Work has been slow of late. Despite having two to three projects to work on, client dithering has reduced that to zero on most days. Also we've been having curious outages in some of our work interfaces. So even though I've had work to actually do over the last couple days, I've been unable to do any of it when the admin system is down. But yesterday I really felt accomplished by sitting down and coding for six straight hours. True, I was almost done by the time the admin system went down again (thus meaning I have some work to resume, today, which I was in the middle of) but I ended up feeling really good about what I did.
I've not been cooking for a while but I got inspired and created a really nice, simple burger from scratch and put it on an English Muffin. There's something really good about that toasted bread that goes well with a burger. I'm definitely going to do this again. It felt good to cook, too: even if it was something as simple as a hamburger.
Part of my cooking inspiration came from watching "Bob's Burgers". I remember first hearing about this show when it debuted, years ago. I had been told it was terrible. I stayed away. I was misinformed. It's a great show and, honestly, keeps me laughing whenever I watch. I'm mostly through Season Four, now, and just saw the episode "Equistrinauts" (a funny parody of "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic").
That's yesterday's "Three Things".
Today, I think I can finish the client's site, cook a great meal with some savoy cabbage and kielbasa, and go for a nice walk in the woods.
14th July, 2015. 2:24 pm. Downtown Spaces
I've been thinking about "downtown". "Downtown" is a hypothetical space in an otherwise crowded, larger space. It is set-up to be isolated from outside sound and activity.
Library- or garden-like, "downtown" should be a place of relaxed socialization. Even within such a space, there could be further "downtown" areas: sub-sections to further allow for quiet socialization but never fewer than three individuals.
I think it would be nice to have a "Downtown" at any given convention.
Current mood: quiet.
Read 2 Notes -Make Notes
14th July, 2015. 9:52 am. Motivation: Low
I used to hear about this thing called "Biorhythm". At first, I was told that there were cycles in our biology that influenced our mood, psychology, etc... It seemed to make sense when examined on the surface. I even recall, back in the mid-90s, there were Web sites that said they could help you chart your rhythms and figure out, in advance, days when you would be feeling low or have other issues related to your natural progression of biology.
Then I started seeing things that smacked of astrology: people claiming to make predictions in all manner of areas including financial welfare, love life, family changes, and other things normally reserved for horoscopes. I also found all the Web discussions talking about this as an ancient chunk of hooey that, somehow, I'd not heard of, before. So, I dismissed them.
Now, I'm not so sure.
No: I'm not suddenly believing that biorhythms can predict who I'm going to marry or the name of my first child (both are likely to be a "this variable is undefined" in scope). But I'm wondering if these weird highs and lows I experience can be charted, predicted, and fixed (or at least addressed) by knowing when they will happen. The problem is, when I get feeling down, I don't want to chart anything (ie: no motivatino) and when I'm on an up-swing, I don't see the low points in the past and, thus, don't log those at that time.
I'm down, today.
I was on a real high this past weekend.
I am back into that horrible state where I don't cook for myself. I'm eating fast food all the time again. I'm not even able to drum up the interest in working on gaming maps, adventures/modules, writing stories, or anything even remotely creative. I've stopped reading. All I seem to do is eat, watch TV, and check social media for updates from friends. Dirty clothes are piling up, I'm exhausted all the time, etc...
Things went well immediately following CONvergence. I had finally stepped down from con-comm and even had a really good cause that I could fight for. But in so doing, I started down a rabbit hole that doesn't seem to have a bottom. And in my pursuit of helping resolve things between con-comm and Board, I've grown weary and exhausted, again. I don't know where in all this mess things are coming from. My overall lethargy and boredom have been going on for a while, now; about seven months. It isn't anxiety, necessarily, and my work load at the office has (for most of that time) been good. Lately, however, I've had next-to-nothing to do at the office. That, too, is draining.
It's like being stuck in "the Phantom Tollbooth's" so-called "doldrums". Although, honestly, a better term for that land of inactivity is probably "Anhedonia".
I'm always tired. Always worn-down. I don't want to work, don't want to do anything, or want to even exist in a meaningful way.
I think encouragement may help but, honestly, it would almost have to be on a near-constant level, now. Proactive encouragement, kind and nurturing, is a powerful tonic. But at this stage, it feels like it would take forever to do any work. I don't want to lean on friends very much for that. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, because I'm so low right now, I can't see the parts of my life that are about to be on an upswing. I really can't say for sure.
My neurochemistry is fucked-up. I know this. But how can I fight this when the very fuel I'd use to do so is blocked by the damage in my brain?
And how do I know that what I'm seeing now is really the truth? My problems are subjective and subject to perception ... and my perception is really screwy right now.
1st July, 2015. 7:44 am. CONvergence 2015 - "Double-Plus Good" (Dystopias) - Day 0
Today I head to the RadishTree (the DoubleTree hotel off of 494 and 100) to set-up the Gaming Suites for CONvergence 2015: “Double-Plus-Good”. I created a new banner, this year, featuring the gods of gaming. It feels good to see it, here, and soon will feel good to see it in the windows of 2201 on the 22nd floor.
click for larger version
See you at CONvergence!
26th June, 2015. 11:14 pm. Marriage
What a day.
I, as an American, now have equal access to marriage no matter where I go or who I love. I've had this right in Minnesota for a few years, now, and I'm honestly not sure if marriage is right for me. But it is now, universally, an option.
I got the news when Twitter blew up. I got some stuff done at work but, after a half day, I got permission to take half a day off with some PTO. I had lunch at my favorite restaurant, came home, and prepared tacos for friends in celebration of this weekend's Pride festival.
Tomorrow I don't know what will happen other than meeting friends for lunch by Loring Park. I can only say I hope that the happiness I feel continues and, further, is experienced by everyone else who is in need of equality: no matter who or where they are.
5th June, 2015. 12:28 pm. Disney World, Day 1
This entry will, no doubt, be updated later today.
As I sit at home, finishing my lunch break, I'm trying to keep in mind what my psychiatrist said last night: "Try to just live in the moment; don't over-complicate things." He suggested I have fun like a kid, not worry about my diet all that much, and walk as much as I could to get exercise. Good advice: each piece of it. This will be, after all, an eight-day holiday with my family.
Back in December, Mom surprised the family with an incredibly generous offer: she wanted to pay for all of us (my siblings, their families, myself, and Mom) to go on vacation, together. With an eye towards my nieces and nephews, Disney World Resorts would be our destination. And while Siena and Kyra were told on Christmas, the younger nephews Robert and George weren't told until this past Saturday evening that, come Friday, they would be in Florida for Star Wars Weekend at Walt Disney World.
I over-think things and have worried about the trip. I shouldn't, I know, but that's what I do. So, stress mounting, I'm trying to put myself in the state of mind where I can just be
One thing that makes me smile is the fact that this weekend is the tail-end of Gay Days at Disney. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet some cute guy!
But, still, time with the family amongst geeks there for Star Wars fun as well as queer couples should be nice. I plan on making ample use of the hotel room, now and then, to just relax with books and maybe some writing.
I just hope I'm not going to flame-out and freak out.
I depart home as my roommate, foeclan
, suffers Bronchitis. I really hope he gets better, soon. I had it, a few weeks ago and know how unpleasant it can be. My other roommates are doing well, though, so I think the garden will be watered and the DVR will pick up the shows I may otherwise miss while gone. (Mostly, I want to make sure I get the season-finale of "iZombie" and the next-to-last episode of "Game of Thrones".)
The flight leaves around 7:30pm and gets me to Florida around 11:30pm EDT. I'll get a little sleep before we rise around 6 for breakfast. I believe the plan is to get the kids to the theme park so they can sign up for Jedi Training and, eventually, take on Darth Vader.
This is particularly adorable since my nephew, George (three years old), upon hearing that the Dark Lord of the Sith would be there, asked his mother, "Is Darth Vader going to kill me?" My brother and I, terrible uncles that we are, had to refrain from saying, "Only if you're bad."
Anyway, I'll leave home at 4 to catch a bus down to the airport and hope that all my boarding passes and paperwork is in order.
Again: trying not to get all worked up about every little thing.
Current mood: apprehensive.
15th May, 2015. 2:59 pm. Happy Graduation, Future Dead People
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This is the graduation speech we both need and deserve: really fun and insightful!
Wish I'd had this at my graduation...