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A Geek's Eye

27th May, 2016. 8:21 am. Here I Am

Here I am. Here I sit in a house being warmed by my presence and that of half a dozen others. Here I exist and love and type, feeling close to people who are my family. It is a family of choice and I ache when I'm not with them. But they are nonetheless my family. I love them all, dearly, and revel in my time with them. In four more days, I'll depart for another year. One day, this may even end. But I hope not.

Yours,
Sylvan (Dave)

Current mood: loved.

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22nd May, 2016. 4:38 am. Couldn't Sleep

I've woken and fallen asleep 4 times this past night. The last time, at 3:30am, I stayed awake. My bedroom was way too hot and even wearing nothing, with two fans blowing on me, I was way over-heated. Turned on the A/C. So, now I'm doing laundry and trying to wear myself out so I can go back to sleep.

ADDENDUM: Passed out around 5. Woke up again around 9:30. Feeling woozy. Getting breakfast.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: exhausted.

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19th May, 2016. 9:13 pm. Cymbalta, Day 8

Today was the first day I took the full 60mg of Cymbalta. Honestly, I didn't feel anything. No big rush. No euphoria. No nausea. No nothin'.

So, uh, I just worked.

I worked and worked at the office.

And that's good, I guess. It just means that I'm nervous about this medication being effective. Last week, as I started my prescription, I got a few minor side-effects so I knew that it was doing something. But nothing new after I upped the dosage to the full amount.

Then again, what did I want to happen: be nauseous again? Have insomnia? Be exhausted throughout the day?

Man: I've got to start being appreciative of what I've got and cross those negative bridges only when I come to them...

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: tired.

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18th May, 2016. 1:45 pm. Cymbalta, Day 7

One week. Today was my seventh, 30mg dose of Cymbalta. No nausea; in fact, I've not felt nauseous after taking my meds in a few days. I've also slept well. I think some of the issue was that I was probably drinking too much before bed thus causing me to have to get up, constantly.

On a side-note, I've also cooked 5 work days' worth of meals, now. I started last Thursday (in earnest) and continued, after a weekend of events (during which, I ate out), on Monday. Each workday, I have cooked for myself like I used to.

(Well, not quite like I used to; nothing complex ... just ham-n-muffins for breakfast, polish sausages for lunch, and spaghetti for dinner.)

Last night I nearly went out but my apathy kept me in the house. Rather than eat spaghetti again, I cooked some shrimp and asparagus. Quite good but it was under-seasoned. I'll probably eat the rest, tonight.

The only problem with my eating habits, right now, is boredom-eating. At night, in front of the TV or sitting in my room (reading, listening to podcasts, working on games, etc...) I get bored and hungry. As a result, half of the nights I've cooked, I've also eaten snacks: peanut butter toast and cheese-n-crackers. That's something I need to address.

But at the very least, I've cooked for a week's worth of meals (excepting weekends) and am heading back towards cooking as a rule rather than the exception!

Whoot!

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: good.

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17th May, 2016. 9:19 am. Cymbalta, Day 6 - morning

Today I'm feeling rather good. I admit to having woken up around 4:00 before trying to get back to sleep and, then, being awakened by my alarm clock at 5:30. Then, of course, I nodded off until 5:45 and had to rush to get my breakfast and morning things done before leaving for work. But I did it.

I feel strangely accomplished.

I know this can't be the medications, not this early in my prescription, but I also had no nausea as a side-effect this morning for the second morning in a row.

That's two days without being really, really tired during the day or feeling an upset stomach. Yesterday's mild headache was banished with Advil and, today, I've suffered no reoccurrence. I know that Cymbalta is not a long-term fix, that friends have told me about how it eventually worked less and less for them after a year or two, but even this early in the regimen, I'm hopeful that this will help me so that I can focus and learn the mental skills I need to retrain my brain to work without meds.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: hopeful.

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16th May, 2016. 8:13 pm. Cymbalta, Day 5 - night

Well, the phlegm went away for the most part. I'm thinking I might be getting through these side-effects well. I was a little tired in the middle of the day but that passed with the generous application of a little caffeine. Granted, this brought on a headache (slight), but that's gone, now, too.

So, I'm hopin' that when I go to bed, here, I'll sleep through the night.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: tired.

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16th May, 2016. 6:17 am. Cymbalta, Day 5 - morning

Actually, I slept well last night.

I woke feeling, if not energetic, at least able to get out of bed with a minimum of effort.

Win!

On the downside, I've been experiencing a lot of phlegm. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with something. I don't think this is a side-effect of the medication.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: okay.

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15th May, 2016. 9:27 pm. Cymbalta, Day 4 - night

For the past two days, I've had trouble sleeping at night but have been nodding off, feeling woozy, and been tired during the days. Yes: those are all side-effects that I've read about Cymbalta. I'm just curious how you can have both at the same time.

How does a medication make you non-sleepy but exhausted simultaneously?

I've taken naps in the middle of the day both yesterday and today. Then, at night, I've kept waking up.

Yes: I'll definitely stick with the medication as my prescribing psychiatrist instructed. But I'm really unsure this is something I want to do if this keeps going on.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: tired.

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15th May, 2016. 6:35 am. Cymbalta, Day 4 - morning

This medication seems okay but last night, I kept waking up with an urgent need to use the bathroom. I drank water during dinner and have been trying to keep my caffeine down so I'm not certain if it was drinking too much before bed, the Cymbalta making me need to use the bathroom more often, the Cymbalta making me a more light sleeper (so slight urgencies are able to wake me), some combination of those three, or none of those three.

I'll experiment with it, today. No drinking anything in the ninety minutes before bed, tonight. That should make the answer a bit more obvious.

Yesterday, I also didn't get much sleep and ended up feeling a bit tired all day. Again: don't know if that was the Cymbalta or not.

Other than that, I've only felt a little nausea in the mornings after taking the 30mg tablet.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: tired.

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13th May, 2016. 6:13 am. Cymbalta, Day 2 - morning

Woke up really early; and I didn't go to sleep early. I didn't get much sleep at all but I'm not sleepy right now. And I have to confess, I woke up feeling a bit dejected. Not the best of ways to start any day but, as of 30 minutes ago, I took my second 30mg dose of Cymbalta with my breakfast.

Breakfast, by the way, was a pair of whole wheat English muffin ham sandwiches containing a slice of tomato, each, and a tablespoon of vidalia salsa. This is nicely spicy and makes me happy from the inside out.

Well, satisfied. Not "happy". "Happy" is a potent emotion. I don't get it all that often.

But yesterday, at my therapist's office, he asked me about the last two weeks and the happiest moments I can remember from them. I cited the two rest stops I stopped at going to and from my visit to DesMoines (I love those isolated spots of rural wilderness meeting up with the highway where the wind can blow and animals, gather, while humans rest from the road) as well as the two most recent episodes of "Game of Thrones". Those are what made me happiest, recently.

What I need to do is find a way to permanently remind myself to check these things. It seems like every time I try something new, some new trick to address my depression and anxiety, I can do it for a short time but, then, it fades. I forget to do the new things because I get distracted by work, gaming, TV, and everyday life. It's like my brain has no new room for habits.

I think I may try going back to Habit RPG and see if that can't help me.

Yours,
Sylvan

Current mood: tired.

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